To write about what I want is a very broad brush stroke, and I am feeling very light hearted tonight. I am not sure I want to write about serious things. So, I will write about random things that I want. Each of these things is something I really do want, but in a very playful sense, and perhaps in just dreaming and brainstorming about them I will find something that strikes a chord or plants a seed, and I will maybe begin to pursue something I hadn’t given much serious thought before.
There is a friend I follow on tumblr who posts photos and sketches he creates, and others that he finds beautiful. He also posts occasionally, a line or two that begins with the phrase, “I want a girl...” I love that concept, and I know that I’ve taken up that idea a few times, posting about how I want a girl who is all softness and curves. I want a girl who likes the girl she sees in the mirror. I love the fact that that door of possibility is open to me. I love exploring the idea in my writing, and that even in my life now there is that path to explore at a comfortable and leisurely pace with no pressure, only love. I want to continue that.
I want to build a sanctuary in the new house, wherever it is... a room with books and books and a comfortable place to sit, and more books. A library that inspires escape and creativity. I want to make my own haven that isn’t a bedroom, and isn’t a place for everyone to gather, rather a place to go and find solitude, to write poetry, or read for hours. I am eager to find that space anew, and let it help me find my center day after day.
I also want to create spaces that make my family feel at home. A kitchen that feels warm and inviting, and a living area with plenty of room for babies, and toddlers, for toys and music and games, as well as television and movies and relaxing. I want to make this home over into a place that has room for everyone in the household, instead of it feeling like we just pushed things aside to make room for more people.
I want to open up and begin writing poetry again that is filled with the emotion I’ve been sort of holding back on for so many months. I want to celebrate being in love instead of worrying that it’s too childish or young to sing songs and write poems about this amazing feeling. I want to open up and be creative again, inspired by how happy I am and how grateful I feel to be so loved. I want to set up a glass working station in a shed or a garage, to spend the time and energy on glass that I did a year and a half ago, and to feel that sense of accomplishment at having created beauty with something other than words.
I want to learn French, at least some French, in a way that is fun, and not work. I want to enjoy the language, the beauty and music of it, and so with poetry as a focus, I want to translate and swim in that language. I want to play with French words, and to discover what makes the poetry so lovely.
I want to enjoy these next weeks and months planning for a collaring commitment that I’ve been hoping for, and working toward for almost two years. I want to dream and talk about what that commitment ceremony looks like, and about the meaningful gestures and words and things that will make it truly something that is mine and His. I don’t want to make things too complicated, I just want to figure out ways to celebrate that are simple and full of beauty and meaning for He and I. I want to dream, and to plan, and to know that this is truly ours... and unlike anyone else’s. I love Dragonfly Girl, and I am glad to be her sister. I know that she counts her collar and her relationship with Sir as sacred. I want to celebrate that, too. I want to make my sacred commitment next to Shepherd, with my family watching, my pack watching. I want to witness the commitment between Shepherd and Dragonfly Girl as a totally different event, and celebrate it with all the happiness I can give to them.
I want to see my Sir smiling more. To feel Him relaxing and enjoying the love we share, and the family he’s building. I want to know that he feels confident and safe in my love, and in the love of the others in our pack. I want to see him grow and become the Sir He is meant to be, and I want to walk that road of learning and growing beside Him, learning and growing myself. I want to cast off old hurts, and see old scars continue to heal, while I celebrate the amazing thing that is our love, and our commitment to strengthening that love for a lifetime. I want to know that I bring Him more smiles than stress, and that because of my contribution to His life, He finds things easier, happier, simpler and more beautiful than He ever dreamed.
I am happy... and I want more.